Marriage Counseling
by Eclectic1
Summary: Mello and Matt are having "relationship" issues. It's actually more like Mello is having issues with their "relationship" and Matt doesn't care either way, but hey, what can you do? Rated T for Matt x Mello yaoi and mild drug reference


Disclaimer: I don't own these characters. If I did I wouldn't do such terrible, demeaning things to them.

……..Okay, who am I kidding? Hells yes I would.

Mello leaned back in his recliner, studying the popcorn ceiling. What a _shitty_ day. Matt had found absolutely nothing of interest today in his Misa observations, and the day had crawled by at about the same pace as a confused snail (confused snail?). There was absolutely nothing left to do to make this day memorable.

Except…

Mello grinned connivingly and turned his head to view Matt. His accomplice was lounging on the couch, playing DS. He was such a damn tease, the way he rocked that stripy shirt and those comically oversized gloves was at LEAST an 8 on Mello's Sexometer™ (note: several research teams have done studies on Mello's "Sexometer™", and have yet to determine what, exactly, makes anyone quality for ANY of the Sexometer™'s rating levels. Some think it's the time of the week Mello happens to be evaluating someone, and others think it relates to the amount of drugs in his system).

He stalked towards the unassuming boy on the couch, who just happened to be in world 8(the most challenging and difficult) of super Mario Chronicles.

Matt glanced up for a second, careful to keep the difficult Mario boss castle in the corner of his peripheral vision at all times. He saw Mello coming at him with THAT crazy look in his eyes, not the normal crazy one that he had all the time. The way that Mello was naked from the waist down was also a good determinate in realizing what was coming.

Matt rolled his eyes; luckily his goggles obscured this action from the other man in the room. "Oh great, not again-"

Mello jumped on the couch in one swift movement. He unzipped Matt's jeans, tugging them off forcefully.

"Ok…" Matt muttered his eyes on the DS, "This is the hard part…"

"Your damn straight it is!" Mello grinned maliciously.

After several seconds of fumbling with what Matt ASSUMED was lube from what he could hear over the DS sound system, Mello began thrusting into him. Matt grunted slightly and wrapped his legs around Mello's waist.

"Do you feel DIRTY, Matt? Like a dirty bitch?" Mello sneered, pumping into him faster.

"Ohh me oh my, yes……like a dirty, uhh, dog? Mutter somethingsomthing…"

One particularly forceful "gyration" caused the DS to jerk out of Matt's hands and fly off the couch. Matt blinked.

His game was on the floor. He hadn't been able to pause it.

And it took HOURS to beat that level, since there was no save anywhere on the whole world 8 map. Wait, he had 1 life left, there was still a chance-

Matt dived in a slow-motion sideways movement off of the couch, tears of hope visible in his eyes. "GAAAMMME!!" He shouted, desperately reaching in the system's general direction. Mello blinked, flying off of Matt and landing on a particularly pointy stiletto lying next to the couch. Why it was there or who it belonged to, even Mello wasn't certain of.

Mello flew into a sitting position, eyes full of malicious intent. "GODDAMNIT Matt, I was almost finished!!"

Matt's tears of hope turned to those of despair. "I…I thought that zero c-counted as a life in this game…..I was wrong….I have to start the whole {SOB} level over again…" He stared at the system in his gloved hands, forlorn.

Mello wilted at the sight of Matt crying (I'll leave that sentence up to your own visual interpretation) and pulled his pants back on, all sexy thoughts mooshed into oblivion by Matt's depressing facial expression. He suddenly had a thought. Maybe the day wouldn't be all bad.

The blonde man stood up and went over to his and Matt's work desk in the corner. He pulled out a drawer.

There was one semi-rusty razor blade sitting in its protective compartment, next to half of a bendy straw. This drawer was missing one _very_ key component.

"MATT!" Mello bellowed, "Did you do the last of the blow??!! WTF??"

"Yeah, but there was only enough for one line left! " Matt looked up at him, blinking, "And, you know, you do REALLY big lines, so it was technically, like, half a line. You're like Al Pacino in that old movie, where he has that whole drawer full and just stuffs his face in-"

"SHUT UP!" Mello put both hands up to the sides of his head, teeth gritted in a wide-eyed snarl. "What a fucking HORRIBLE day!!" He fell back into his office chair, feeling every aching bone in his body. Matt glanced back over at his friend, pausing the game. Poor guy was apparently having a really shitty day. He never understood why Mello couldn't just forget his worries with a good couple rounds of Smash Brothers, but he supposed that didn't work for everybody.

Matt's face suddenly filled with positive vibes of hopeful goodness. "Hey, Mello, I know what will cheer you up…."

Mello, defeated, barely managed to turn his head towards the sounds of verbalizations. "Yeah?"

"I'll buy you a hooker! A fancy one! And we'll dress her up in my shirt and goggles! Probably not my pants though, that would be kinda nasty…"

Mello jumped out of his chair, propelled by sudden, unknown forces. He stomped over to Matt, grabbing the boy's shirt collar and managing to drag him towards the door.

"This 'situation' of ours just isn't working!" Mello looked down at the captive semi-captive Matt, eyes half-crazed.

Matt frowned up at him, pushing himself along the ground backwards with his legs to help Mello in his dragging attempts, "Situation?"

"YESS!" Mello leaned in close and hissed, "We're going to go see a marriage counselor!"

"Uhh…don't we need an appointment for that sort of thing…?

Despite Matt's best half-assed efforts, there was no stopping the Mello locomotive until it reached its destination. Or something like that.

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The therapist stared at the two young men across from them. He was PRETTY certain that he was going to die.

The young man voraciously enjoying a bar of chocolate was _quite _obviously carrying a concealed weapon (Or just very happy to see him. He was desperately hoping for the former). Not-to-mention, he looked like he could murder someone with a toothpick if he put his mind to it, let alone an actual weapon of any sort. The other one looked like a pretty normal guy, save for the consistent smoking even after being told this was a non-smoking building. Several times.

"Oookay, let me get this straight…so you, Mr. 'Mello'…."

"That's not my real name, you know. Not that I'm going to tell you what it REALLY is." Mello leaned back in his chair, throwing the doctor a SERIOUS case of paranoid stink-eye.

"Uhhmmm…that's what I figured, judging by the way that you filled out your paper work with the name: 'Mello Beat-yo-ass-mutha-fuggah-like-I-means-sum-real-biz-nazz Smith'. "

Matt grinned, "Huh. Thaat's pretty funny".

The doctor coughed 'politely', "ANYWAY, let me get this straight. So YOU," he pointed his pencil at Mello (that was the best use he was getting out of it at the moment, these two had a list of problems so long and severe he hadn't even bothered with attempting to write them down yet) "are having issues with Matt's consistent ignoring of your physical urges-"

Mello pointed an accusing finger at Matt, "ONLY," He snapped a block of chocolate off with his teeth, "When he wears THOSE gloves. Those damned, sexy-ass gloves."

The Dr. chose to wisely ignore this, plowing on, "You're also having issues with him not asking before he consumes your illegal narcotics? And you," He pointed towards the other, red-haired boy, "Are pretty much just here because he made you come? Is this the overall situation?"

Matt said, "Yeah, pretty much".

Mello nodded furiously.

"So. Ok then." The Dr. placed his fingertips together, pondering. Maybe he _would_ get out of this alive. They seemed to be a 'normal' enough couple. Kind of. With average problems. Yeah, sure, _that _was it. "I think that you two need to meet in the middle. From what you've told me, Matt, you enjoy video games. Mello enjoys rough, verbally demeaning intercourse. If you can find a middle ground that satisfies your urges equally, then I think everything will get a bit easier for you two."

They both blinked at him, eyes wide in thought. Dear lord, he could practically _see_ the cogs turning (and these are NOT two men that you want to know are thinking very, very hard about sexual problems).

"Oh, and one more thing." The Doctor sighed, audibly, "PLEASE stop smoking in here, sir. I've told you three times already." He glared as politely as possible at Matt, who was lighting up a fresh cig.

"I've told you I'm sorry, haven't I? That's the most that I can do."

The Doctor continued his polite glaring, throwing in an arched eyebrow for additional emphasis.

"And I've even admitted that I have a problem. That's the first step, right?"

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"Mamma Mia, it's my arch nemesis! Matt feigned surprise, jumping off of their living room couch from an action-oriented standing position. His fake moustache was itchy, but other than that the Mario costume wasn't so bad. Kind of fun, actually.

Mello yelled from the kitchen, "This isn't what I had in mind when you said roll-play! I thought, you know, maybe a sexy ninja-and-pirate thing or something… (Let's not think too hard on why he finds that idea "sexy")….

"Ohh come on!"

Damn it, he could HEAR the pout in Matt's voice. Mello exhaled a VERY irritable sigh and walked into the living room.

He could barely see through the little eye hole slot, and the costume was sweaty.

"Come on, say it!" He was getting WAY too excited over this.

Mello rolled his eyes, here goes nothing. "PREPARE TO DIE, MARIO!!"

"I'll get you yet, Bowser! FIREBALL!!"

Matt threw a baseball at Mello, it bounced semi-harmlessly off of the costume.

"What the hell was that??! I'll get you, you little shit!!" Mello ran after pseudo-Mario, glaring.

Matt grinned, "See? You're in character already! FIREBALL!"

"SUNNUVA-"

Approximately one hour and fourteen minutes later, two semi-costumed men lie on the floor of their living room in a pile of baseballs, one smoking a cigarette, the other enjoying a bar of 30% Lindt dark.

After a long period of silence, Matt speaks up, "Uhhm….did we actually HAVE sex?"

Mello blinks, "Uhh….I THINK so? I mean, I think that was you…it could have just been some fabric, I guess…that costume was tight in some weird areas…" He chews on a corner of the chocolate thoughtfully.

"HUH. Yeah. Well whatever, it was pretty damn entertaining."

"Yeah…something. Hey, Matt?"

"Yeah?"

"Isn't this costume a rental?"

"Yeah…." He takes a drag of menthol light, "Oh, yeah. Ewww."

"Yep. Sucks for them."

"Totally."

THE END! (YAAAY!!!)


End file.
